Let me...entertain you.

Sat, 11 Oct 2008 13:29:14 GMT

Although in all seriousness, I'm not sure if I've ever "come out" to this extent.

I am a feminine genderqueer pansexual.

I knew early in life, say, about seven years old, that I was attracted to both sexes. I didn't know until middle school that it was considered a bad thing, and I found out the hard way freshman year of high school. It took me 'til mid sophomore year to accept and embrace myself.

I happen to be more attracted to masculine looking people, and therefore am pretty much able to pass for heterosexual to anyone who doesn't know me. But it is not something I vie for, because I am not ashamed of my sexual orientation.

Identifying with the LGBT movement has changed my life in so many ways. It has enabled me to pursue activism to its fullest, lobbying assemblymembers and senators and protesting on my state capitol. It has taught me tolerance, acceptance, and love. Not only for my fellow man, but myself.

It has also been painful. It was painful to come out to "friends" and have them think it was a bit 'weird'. It was painful to endure insults about my sexuality and the imperfection of my body in the showers just because my two friends were open lesbians. It was painful getting shoved down the hallways with snide remarks before I learned to carry myself with pride. It was painful to live with unrequited love for my best female friend and feel frightened to even express it to anyone for a year still being uncomfortable with myself. It IS painful everyday to see evidence of homophobia in our society, whether it is a clear as a man in a devil suit holding a sign saying "Fags go to hell", or as vague as a nicely worded proposition trying to take away our civil rights.

My name is Courtney, and I am a genderqueer pansexual. And I am proud to say that to you today. I am also proud to call you my friends.

Tue, 23 Sep 2008 06:52:09 GMT

Welcome to my thoughts, age 5 to 16.

Last week I left a note on Laura's desk
It said I love you signed anonymous friend
Turns out she's smarter than I thought she was
She knows I wrote it, now the whole class does too
And I'm alone during couple skate
When she skates by with some guy on her arm
But I know that I'll forget the look of pity in her face
When I'm living in my solar dome on a platform in space

Cause it's gonna be the future soon
And I won't always be this way
When the things that make me weak and strange get engineered away
It's gonna be the future soon
I've never seen it quite so clear
And when my heart is breaking I can close my eyes and it's already here

I'll probably be some kind of scientist
Building inventions in my space lab in space
I'll end world hunger I'll make dolphins speak
Work through the daytime, spend my nights and weekends
Perfecting my warrior robot race
Building them one laser gun at a time
I will do my best to teach them
About life and what it's worth
I just hope that I can keep them from destroying the Earth

Cause it's gonna be the future soon
And I won't always be this way
When the things that make me weak and strange get engineered away
It's gonna be the future soon
I've never seen it quite so clear
And when my heart is breaking I can close my eyes and it's already

Here on Earth they'll wonder
As I piece by piece replace myself
And the steel and circuits will make me whole
But I'll still feel so alone
Until Laura calls me home

I'll see her standing by the monorail
She'll look the same except for bionic eyes
She lost the real ones in the robot wars
I'll say I'm sorry, she'll say it's not your fault
Or is it?
Then she'll eye me suspiciously
Hearing the whir of the servos inside
She will scream and try to run
But there's nowhere she can hide
When a crazy cyborg wants to make you his robot bride

Well it's gonna be the future soon
And I won't always be this way
When the things that make me weak and strange get engineered away
It's gonna be the future soon
I've never seen it quite so clear
And when my heart is breaking I can close my eyes and it's already here

Sun, 21 Sep 2008 18:13:25 GMT

Ever get a glimpse of the person you want to be?

Ever get discouraged when you realized how very far you are from that?

Tell me.

Fri, 12 Sep 2008 07:02:54 GMT

I'm tired, but I'd like to take a moment to be publicly grateful for all I have.

'Cause I'm super cool.

Fri, 12 Sep 2008 03:23:16 GMT

Everyone has things they don't blog about.

Challenge me out of my comfort zone by telling me something I don't blog about, but you'd like to hear about, and I'll write a post about it. Ask for anything: latest movie watched, last book read, political leanings, thoughts on lima beans, favorite type of underwear, etc.

Comments are screened. Names will not be used.

Sun, 31 Aug 2008 21:59:19 GMT

Post coming tonight. :D

Fri, 22 Aug 2008 16:55:23 GMT

My driving appointment is in Fullerton next Friday. Then I will be licensed.

Wish me luck.

I've most assuredly done this already.

Sun, 10 Aug 2008 02:18:34 GMT

Ten Things I Love That Start With the Letter H

1) Hot food (as in spicy)
2) Hair. On the head and face. And the play, although I'm pretty unfamiliar.
3) Helen Reddy. SCREW YOU, I AM WOMAN, HEAR ME ROAR.
4) Heart. Oooh, barracuda.
5) Heath Ledger
6) House M.D.
7) Hammer, Captain
8) Horrible, Doctor
9) Hamming it up.
10) Humming.

(Comment and I'll give you a letter; then you have to list ten things you love that begin with that letter. Afterward, post this in your journal and give out some letters of your own.)

Sorry.

Mon, 07 Jul 2008 12:39:54 GMT

I should know better than to post in my late-night stressouts.

I'll keep off the subject.

Instead, lookit this:

http://news.yahoo.com/s/nm/20080707/ts_nm/italy_strike_dc

Hopefully it only lasts the 24 hours it's expected to.

Stupid.

Mon, 07 Jul 2008 00:14:49 GMT

I always think the problem is other people, but no, just me.

I've been lying here, stressing, crying, for over an hour.

I've been trying to think of a way to phrase things, but it always comes out to, "blah blah blah I'm still miserable even though my life is wonderful and I am a spoiled little brat".

I'm sick of me.

Sun, 29 Jun 2008 23:23:12 GMT

Rules: Post 3 things you've done that you believe nobody else on your F-list has done. Indulge in remorse if someone calls you out on a listed item.
1. Played Curly the lost boy in the play Peter Pan.
2. Had sex while watching Borat. (I know, right? BTW, Leif not included)
3. Went to the Colosseum Saturday. (CHEAPSHOT)

The Big Read reckons that the average adult has only read 6 of the top 100 books they've printed.

1) Look at the list and bold those you have read.
2) Italicize those you intend to read.
3) Underline the books you LOVE.
4) Reprint this list in your own LJ so we can try and find out who hasn't read what and force books upon them.

1. Pride and Prejudice - Jane Austen
2. The Lord of the Rings - J.R.R. Tolkien (some of it)
3. Jane Eyre - Charlotte Bronte
4. Harry Potter series - J.K. Rowling
5. To Kill a Mockingbird - Harper Lee
6. The Bible - various (some)
7. Wuthering Heights - Emily Bronte
8. Nineteen Eighty Four - George Orwell
9. His Dark Materials - Philip Pullman
10. Great Expectations - Charles Dickens
11. Little Women - Louisa M Alcott
12. Tess of the D'Urbervilles - Thomas Hardy
13. Catch 22 - Joseph Heller
14. The Complete Works of Shakespeare (er, a lot?)
15. Rebecca - Daphne Du Maurier
16. The Hobbit - J.R.R. Tolkien
17. Birdsong - Sebastian Faulks
18. Catcher in the Rye - JD Salinger
19. The Time Traveller's Wife - Audrey Niffenegger
21. Gone With The Wind - Margaret Mitchell
22. The Great Gatsby - F Scott Fitzgerald
23. Bleak House - Charles Dickens
24. War and Peace - Leo Tolstoy
25. The Hitch Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy - Douglas Adams (some of it)
26. Brideshead Revisited - Evelyn Waugh
27. Crime and Punishment - Fyodor Dostoyevsky
28. Grapes of Wrath - John Steinbeck
29. Alice in Wonderland - Lewis Carroll
30. The Wind in the Willows - Kenneth Grahame
31. Anna Karenina - Leo Tolstoy
32. David Copperfield - Charles Dickens
33. The Chronicles of Narnia - C.S. Lewis
37. The Kite Runner - Khaled Hosseini
38. Captain Corelli's Mandolin - Louis De Bernieres
39. Memoirs of a Geisha - Arthur Golden
40. Winnie the Pooh - A.A. Milne
41. Animal Farm - George Orwell
42. The Da Vinci Code - Dan Brown
43. One Hundred Years of Solitude - Gabriel Garcia Marquez
44. A Prayer for Owen Meany - John Irving
45. The Woman in White - Wilkie Collins
46. Anne of Green Gables - LM Montgomery
47. Far From The Madding Crowd - Thomas Hardy
48. The Handmaid's Tale - Margaret Atwood
49. Lord of the Flies - William Golding (I can never get through the whole thing, but I will, one day.)
50. Atonement - Ian McEwan
51. Life of Pi - Yann Martel
52. Dune - Frank Herbert
53. Cold Comfort Farm - Stella Gibbons
54. Sense and Sensibility - Jane Austen
55. A Suitable Boy - Vikram Seth
56. The Shadow of the Wind - Carlos Ruiz Zafon
57. A Tale Of Two Cities - Charles Dickens
58. Brave New World - Aldous Huxley
59. The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-time - Mark Haddon
60. Love In The Time Of Cholera - Gabriel Garcia Marquez
61. Of Mice and Men - John Steinbeck
62. Lolita - Vladimir Nabokov
63. The Secret History - Donna Tartt
64. The Lovely Bones - Alice Sebold
65. Count of Monte Cristo - Alexandre Dumas
66. On The Road - Jack Kerouac
67. Jude the Obscure - Thomas Hardy
68. Bridget Jones' Diary - Helen Fielding
70. Moby Dick - Herman Melville
71. Oliver Twist - Charles Dickens
72. Dracula - Bram Stoker
73. The Secret Garden - Frances Hodgson Burnett
74. Notes From A Small Island - Bill Bryson
75. Ulysses - James Joyce
76. The Bell Jar - Sylvia Plath
77. Swallows and Amazons - Arthur Ransome
78. Germinal - Emile Zola
79. Vanity Fair - William Makepeace Thackeray (No, but I have read The Rose and the Ring, which is amazing.)
80. Possession - A.S. Byatt
81. A Christmas Carol - Charles Dickens
82. Cloud Atlas - David Mitchell
83. The Color Purple - Alice Walker
84. The Remains of the Day - Kazuo Ishiguro
85. Madame Bovary - Gustave Flaubert
86. A Fine Balance - Rohinton Mistry
87. Charlotte's Web - E.B. White
88. The Five People You Meet In Heaven - Mitch Albom
89. Adventures of Sherlock Holmes - Sir Arthur Conan Doyle
90. The Faraway Tree Collection - Enid Blyton
91. Heart of Darkness - Joseph Conrad
92. The Little Prince - Antoine De Saint-Exupery
93. The Wasp Factory - Iain Banks
94. Watership Down - Richard Adams
95. A Confederacy of Dunces - John Kennedy Toole
96. A Town Like Alice - Nevil Shute
97. The Three Musketeers - Alexandre Dumas
98. Hamlet - William Shakespeare
99. Charlie and the Chocolate Factory - Roald Dahl
100. Les Miserables - Victor Hugo

Thirtyish? I miss reading more often. I forgot how enamored of books I was until I borrowed a couple of books from the bitch I went to Rome with.

You know how I said I wouldn't do those big, fat, long posts anymore?

Sun, 22 Jun 2008 23:43:38 GMT

I lied. One big, fat, long post coming up.

But not tonight. I'm too exhausted.

Just posting to let MI know what a fab job they did with their costumes.

And to send all my love to my friends Bill, Jordana, Cheryl, Alicia, Emily, Crystal, Jess, Aleah, Alice Lauren "Shevaun", Brandon, Dolly, Jesse, Poncho, Laura (and gang), Leif, Tricia, Danielle, Deb, Tracy, Paco, Heather, Brendan, Anne, Steffan, James, Sarah Sarandon, Lex, and Zach.

In alphabetical order of LJ names. XD

Good night folks. <3

Oh, for fuck's sake

Mon, 16 Jun 2008 00:18:18 GMT

I will ram this computer in the nearest orifice of the next person who wakes me up at 2AM.

Because I CANNOT go back to sleep. And I have class at 8. 45 minutes away.

The honest mistakes I don't mind (lockout, accidentally knocking something over).

But if you're drunk and hanging right outside my window, I hope you like the rectangular peg being shoved into the tiny circular hole.

Ciao,
Courtney

Just a taste.

Sun, 15 Jun 2008 01:52:25 GMT

Warning: haven't even uploaded half of my photos.

A festival for Saint Anthony. A lot of fun.

New friends

Amazing thunderstorm.

Street signs

Pretty houses. Look at the TONS of laundry on clotheslines. EVERYWHERE.

Portovenere from all different angles.

Restaurants and bars

Island tour.

Sat, 24 May 2008 20:17:17 GMT

I'm exhausted, I'm in pain, but hell, who's happy to be alive today?

MEEEE. :D

Everything bad sucks.
But everything else is really good.

To have such good friends, and such a wonderful lover, I am truly blessed.

Even considering some of the things that make me sad, like my grandpa's illness, I've been lucky for nineteen years to know a soul like him.

I'ma gonna try to work out today. We'll see how that works out. (Haw haw.)

Bye everyone! Have a wunnerful day!

Mah feesh babiez

Sat, 17 May 2008 02:09:35 GMT

Leif and I went pet shopping. And by pets I mean fish. Which are really cheater pets, but whatever. I was super dorking out because I love couple-y things like that. I think he was probably a little embarrassed of me at one point, but he forgot his wallet in the car, so I win.

<3

Hey.

Mon, 12 May 2008 03:34:36 GMT

I wish I was deeper.

I wish I was a brilliant, creative soul capable of sustaining myself through my own thoughts and actions.

As it is, I'm far too dependent on the company and reassurance that other humans bring me.

I'm starting to feel emotionally disconnected from a good portion of my friends. This is in no way to accuse any one person from being distant, I'm just far more needy than I ought to be. People seem to pull back when I touch them, or they consider my desires to hang out as silly and not entirely genuine. I know that this is most likely a product of my paranoid and delusional mind, especially that I'm not as active as I'd like to be. But even if they are pulling away, maybe they're doing a favor. Maybe they're intentionally trying to get me to stand on my own two feet. And it's about time.

I just wish it didn't have to coincide with my mother's deliberate distance.

It's more than her "double life", although she's become more secretive than I care for recently. And defensive. I wish I could tell her that I know, but then she'd think I'd been snooping. But I think she's just trying to push me out of the nest, but here's the thing: I'm already making attempts to get out. My date to move out is January 2009, I'll be getting my license in late July, so on and so forth. So I kinda would like more of her support. Or at least being here for Mother's Day. Everyone's off doing stuff with their moms, I left messages for her and my stepmom in Arizona, Karen. Brendan and his mom, Lisa, very kindly offered for me to go with them, but I'd rather not interfere on other people's family time. Couldn't she and Greg go down to Vegas NEXT weekend, and screw random girls off of Myspace then? Fuck, I don't know anymore. I wish Leif didn't have to work today. Besides being one of my best friends, he really has become like family to me. I know it hasn't been long, but he just feels like home. Warm, accepting, stable.

But I'm being ungrateful. When I finally did get ahold of my stepmother, she talked about how she took my cousin Jordan to go visit aunt Barbara at the cemetery because Jordan had expressed a desire to see her mom. And I know many people who don't have their mothers today, and my deepest sympathies go out to them.

I'm just overly emotional for whatever reasons. Just anything could set me off right now. I'll be better later.

Love, Courtney

Tue, 06 May 2008 18:34:03 GMT

I'm awake.

I'm alive.

I'm in love.

All else is petty and unimportant nonsense.

Apologies.

Wed, 16 Apr 2008 03:26:43 GMT

I would like to apologize if my last entry was too whiny and ungrateful. Rest assured, I love my mother very much and I'm pretty sure her oversight was an honest mistake. And I appreciate her and Greg buying the tickets in the first place.

I also didn't mean to imply MI is an obligation for me. On the contrary, MI is my source of fun, it's my awesome responsibility. To those of you who offered to cover for me, I highly appreciate the offers and YOU, because you both are awesome.

I'm choosing to do the show instead of the concert because I view MI as my family, and as they were there for me at my aunt's death and so many other occasions, I would like to be there for them, and be a dependable cast member.

Anyways...

I'm a little moody, most of it hormones, some of it situational. But then I remember how lucky I am and how very much I have going for me, and I am comforted.

To you, all of my friends: You have just as much, if not more going for you and you're all beautiful, amazing individuals going through troubles you don't deserve, or you're stuck in lots you didn't ask for. Take solace in the fact you're amazing and you have the wherewithal to change everything you want to about your life, it'll just take time. I have complete confidence in each and every one of you. Keep your chins up and press on, you have the world at your fingertips.

blech pain

Tue, 01 Apr 2008 05:18:03 GMT

I'm trying to ignore the agony of my stomach curling in on itself.

Not so much.

I'm off to mildly suffocate myself with a pillow until I fall asleep.

Nineteen is such a loooooser birthday.

Sun, 16 Mar 2008 15:42:13 GMT

But it's still mine and I appreciate each and every person who's made it awesome even before it happened. :D

3/16/89 - to infinity and beyond!

Things to be grateful for.

Mon, 28 Jan 2008 16:04:54 GMT

1. I'm grateful for Ace, who helped me move out of my dorm and without whom I'd be carpool-less.
2. I'm thankful for my mom, who is immeasurably strong and nurturing.
3. I am glad that I have a new, juanderful roommate who's extremely cool and thoughtful.
4. I'm thankful to my mom and stepfather for the emotional and financial support through college. (respectively)
5. I'm grateful to have a semi-interesting and well paying job.
6. If I must feel absolutely emotionless when it comes to romantic prospects, then I'm very grateful that I'm single and have all the time I need to work out the matters of the heart.
7. I'm happy I've decided my major for good.
8. I'm grateful for modern medicine helping me out in my time of need.
9. I'm really, REALLY glad that my dog isn't dead like I dreamed.
10. I'm thankful for the opportunity my cast managers are providing me this weekend. It'll be my first time as Janet, much sooner than I anticipated.
BONUS:
11. I'm grateful to Mark, Colleen, and Brandon for somehow scoring us a gorgeous theatre.

I'M THE MAN.

Thu, 24 Jan 2008 03:45:09 GMT

No, literally. I just got a job with the University Police Force.

I have shirts and a hoodie to prove it.

Fuck yeah!

Might as well spam you guys too.

Thu, 17 Jan 2008 03:40:42 GMT

One of my favorite live versions of this song.

This is all to my dear friends, who, like I, are still looking for somebody to love. :D

Wed, 09 Jan 2008 09:00:48 GMT

How cute is that damn thing?! I love it. I came really close to choosing the rainbow one though. But then my friend Phil's voice stepped into my mind. "Courtney, you're so gay you puke rainbows. The only thing that stops you is that whole having sex with women thing." Hey, in my defense, I've never found a willing woman. So there!

I mean. Yay, weight loss! Yay frogs!

You can check up on my progress if I forget to post it too, the PIN is "dammitjanet".

I know, right?